MOM ON VACATION = NEED FOR LIBATION

As we enter Spring, we all start to think about warm weather, sunny days, playing outside and the hopes that we will get away for a summer vacation. Ahhh... basking on the beach, oiled up in that cute little bikini, umbrella cocktail in hand while flipping through magazine pages to catch up on all the Hollywood gossip. Whelp, now I have a 4 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old so those days are a thing of the past, but a mom can dream, can't she? My current beach vacations aren't quite what they were. Now, I'm wearing a one piece that my kids can't pull down to expose a boob, typically covered in sand after spraying myself with baby Coppertone in SPF 50. There are no more umbrellas in my cocktails so my kids don't poke an eye out and they usually have to be in some sort of bottle, with a top, to prevent spillage. That said, they typically end up in the sand so my once cold, refreshing beverage now contains a little (or a lot of)...um... I guess we could say: texture.

All that is just what the actual beach day looks like, or a portion of it anyway. Let's start with the preparation. After you've decided where you are going, which is now centered around kid friendly activities and restaurants, comes the hunt for affordable, but nice, two or three bedroom condos, within driving distance. Please note, "driving distance" must be under 6 hours, otherwise we fly because I can't tolerate anything longer than that and to fly with a family of 4, no longer becomes affordable or convenient. So we've decided on the Gulf Coast, obviously. I search through endless condos and houses, depending on who we've duped into coming with us, until I find something that suits my high expectations and our bank account.

Step one is done. In the past, you would begin packing which may take an hour because you have already pre-planned every outfit in your head for weeks. All those cute, little sundresses, bikinis for days with coordinating cover-ups, a variety of wedges and sandals with all the appropriate accessories and of course, the adorable floppy beach hat that you purchased with your disposable income. Post kids, you still begin pre-planning, but it's not about you, your wardrobe or your accessories (what are those anyway?). Weeks before, I am thinking of every tent, beach chair, umbrella, stroller, beach buggy, puddle jumper, mat, towel, beach toy, sunscreen in varying SPF levels, medication and first aid need that will never be used since you have them. So why pack them? Well, silly, because if you don't, you'll inevitably be cruising around at midnight to find an open drugstore. After you get all these things together, you'll pack your kids with multiple outfits, shoes, swimsuits, hats, diapers, wipes, extra wipes, toys and books for the condo, condo snacks that you have purchased in bulk from Costco, a separate bag with car activities and snacks for each child because God forbid they share. Why I pack this shit, I don't know because we will unavoidably be playing "I Spy" ten minutes into the car ride, followed by "Are we there yet?" for the next 5 hours. Anyway, you pack yourself last and are so exhausted you end up just throwing random flip flops and maxi dresses out of your closet and kind of close to a suitcase. Hmmm... surely I could be more effective than this. And, noted: bring suitcase into closet. Now keep in mind, that while you're packing a third person, your husband is just now beginning to pack himself so he is neatly laying out all of his undershirts, shirts, bathing suits, socks, etc. on the bed to ensure he has everything. This will become irritating when you are 3 hours into the drive and question whether or not you remembered underwear. Am I overselling this? I feel like I am.

Finally, you survive your husband questioning why you made him play tetris to get everything in the car while insisting you won't need a fraction of it and then begin the car ride there. Between us, he isn't entirely wrong about all the shit we have, but I'm not trying to risk being stuck on the beach or in a condo alone, with 2 kids, while he is trying to hunt down a large umbrella that will take him hours to find and cost 5 times as much as it would have back home. Yay, we're here! Now, I unload the kids, go to our condo to inspect it and decide if the pictures actually look the real thing. Regardless, there's little I can do anyway so this is home for the next week. My husband makes multiple trips to and from the car while profusely sweating and cussing me as he unloads every last minute and random "just in case" item I threw in the car when he wasn't looking. We kind of unpack and head to the grocery store where I am reminded why I never shop with my husband and avoid shopping with my kids at all costs. We get back and hopefully have time to change to go to the pool which is now shaded to ensure my pale, winter skin stays that way for another day. That said, the beautiful even tan that you once experienced, will now be blotchy and uneven with random red spots where sand prevented the sunscreen from protecting. Don't worry though, your kids porcelain skin will remain because you insist on reapplying their sunscreen every 20 minutes. 

The days are filled with play, laughter and excitement but also, tears, arguments and toddler pity parties. You or your husband will go up and down the beach and to and from the condo a dozen times a day to get snacks, lunch, a forgotten toy and whatever else anyone needs. You'll do the same things you would do over the course of a weekend, but outside of your comfort zone. At least you have the beach and pool as entertainment. Evenings that you used to get dressed up for to dine at a table for two, has now become a quick shower, towel dried hair and an outfit with flip flops that scream comfort. You'll be to a restaurant at 5:30pm thinking that you'll miss the crowds only to be reminded that every other family has done the same. You'll wait as your kids loose their shit because crayons and coloring pages are no longer entertaining them or satisfying their increasing hunger, and consequently, asshole behavior. Maybe you'll exchange looks with other parents experiencing the same while you sip your cocktail trying to drown out the sounds of chaos that surround you. Once seated, you'll order immediately, eat quickly and leave, vowing that you'll be eating in the rest of the vacation. After a couple nights of that, you'll be back out because you can't take the dinner meal prep or confines of the condo another night, only to repeat the dinner process again. This time though, you'll get there at 5pm only to realize, every other family has thought the same thing after their first night out. 

The week comes to an end and your sad to leave the sand and sun, but also ready to go home. Your husband will "accidentally" leave various items at the condo so he doesn't have to pack them back into the car and you drive home praying your kids will sleep the majority of the time. As a mom, I always seem to come home from vacation more exhausted than I started. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy leaving town, but I need a solo getaway following any family trip. Sadly, I don't have that kind of time off or disposable income so, I drink heavily and go back to reality. Happy Vacationing!